Collective Writings

Post by **RJDiogenes** » Sun Dec 01, 2013 10:47 pm

Grim, but effective. I really hope you can get these feelings out onto paper (or a screen) and move past them.

The second stanza is really good, and I especially like the imagery of "Family and acquaintances stand in the distance like trees, but no shade comes from their leaves."

Data Holmes · Post by **Data Holmes** » Mon Dec 02, 2013 3:40 am

RJDiogenes wrote:Grim, but effective. I really hope you can get these feelings out onto paper (or a screen) and move past them.

Sleep deprived free writing, more than anything. I do tend to get gothically poetic when I've not slept and am in a bad mood.

The second stanza is really good, and I especially like the imagery of "Family and acquaintances stand in the distance like trees, but no shade comes from their leaves."

Upon rereading, I also like the first two lines there, but those last two don't fit... any suggestions on your part? Perhaps just dropping them and making it a two line poem of some type.

Post by **RJDiogenes** » Tue Dec 03, 2013 12:30 am

If the last two lines don't fit, it's only because they're anti-climactic after the lines I quoted. Perhaps you could change the order of the last verse, or even move the last two lines to a separate verse at the beginning.

Data Holmes · Post by **Data Holmes** » Sat Dec 07, 2013 5:55 am

Inspired by Made.

Brain not woken up yetly,
Pain from party, please speak gently,
Sitting back seeping my tetley,
Sip the cup, restores the wetly.

Madeliaette · Post by **Madeliaette** » Sat Dec 07, 2013 6:53 pm

glad to be inspirational, Holmes!

Post by **RJDiogenes** » Sat Dec 07, 2013 7:09 pm

Any poem that rhymes "Tetley" has got to be good.

Data Holmes · Post by **Data Holmes** » Sat Dec 07, 2013 8:16 pm

It was the use of yetly. That just lodged in my head the second I read it and started the gears turning. I'd had half the poem done before I finished reading her post

Madeliaette · Post by **Madeliaette** » Sun Dec 08, 2013 8:00 am

yetly is just one of my lazy-grammarizations. i come out in crazy words from time to time... lol.

Data Holmes · Post by **Data Holmes** » Tue May 06, 2014 3:37 am

Breath in.
Breath out.
Silence burning the ears with the scream of of the void.
Breath in.
Breath out.
The brain is now shutting down.
Breath in.
Breath out.
The state can't yet be reached,
the screech in the ear to great,
An aural pain distracting from the calm.
Abort the meditation.
Lean back and forget as the flatulence release of internal struggle,
causes you to erupt into thunderous laughter.

Post by **RJDiogenes** » Tue May 06, 2014 10:10 pm

I can dig it. I've never been able to meditate, either.

Collective Writings

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