Chapter Sixteen
by RJ
"Now it all starts to make sense!" exclaims RJ. "Dr Evil and Cruella are the cousins of Hortensimus the Hangry and they owned the venue we rented for the last Halloween party through a dummy corporation, and when we destroyed it they lost everything and had to go into medical practice to make ends meet because they weren't qualified to do anything else, and then they hired Cayla in order to secretly keep tabs on ReNext, not knowing that she is friends with Pastor Eric, and contacted their demonic relative Hortensimus the Hangry to help them exact revenge, and she's going to perform a human sacrifice on one of our sidekicks in about three hours in order to gain the supernatural power to annihilate the rest of us. No. I take it back. It makes no sense whatsoever."
"And yet," says Eric solemnly, "it is... the Truth." There comes a chorus of Hallelujahs from somewhere near the ceiling.
"And what exactly is your part in this?" asks Gary. "If I may be so bold."
Pastor Eric replies, "I am the Sorcerer Supreme of this universe."
"That's strange," says RJ.
"No, he's the Sorcerer Supreme of the Marvel Universe," Eric clarifies.
"Oh. Yeah. Right."
"So what do we have to do to prevent all this from happening in three hours?" asks scotty.
Pastor Eric spreads his arms wide. "Listen to the Spirit of Elara."
"Our trials keep getting harder," grumbles Lupy.
Elara floats up in front of Pastor Eric-- having abandoned her pretense of mortality, she has becomes somewhat wispy from the waist down. "Now that I've got your attention," she says. She snaps her fingers loudly several times. Now that I've got your attention! That's better. We have acquired the means to protect our sidekicks, defend ourselves, and consign Hortensimus the Hangry back to the flaming halls of Bha-gaṇa."
"Bha-gaṇa?" asks Maddie.
"That's Sanskrit for Hell."
"Thanks. I love learning things."
"You're welcome. Pastor Eric has gleaned through viewings of his Orb of Adirondacks that the attack will be initiated directly on the Sidekick Barracks at 10:12pm this evening, EST."
"I'll make the video available on YouTube for the survivors after the Final Battle has been won or lost," adds Eric.
"And now," continues Elara. "The time has come. The die are cast. There is no turning back now. In for a penny, in for a pound. Carpe diem." She can't think of anything else, so she fires up the remote and creates the swirling black-and-white vortex.
As Elara gathers up the ReNexters one by one and flings them through the portal one by one like rag dolls, Cayla punches Pastor Eric on the arm. "Wow, so you're the Sorcerer Supreme. You nut."
Pastor Eric shrugs and blushes, and puts his arm around Cayla-- they rise into the air under the power of his Pastor's Robe of Levitation and fly through the portal.
The Great American RENEXT Novel
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Re: The Great American RENEXT Novel
Chapter Seventeen
by scotty
All the ReNexters land with a thud in a wooded area. Late day sunlight filters through the leaves, and it is quiet except for a commotion high up in the trees.
“Little help?” It is the voice of Pastor Eric. “My Robe of Levitation has become the Robe of Vegetation. We’re both caught in some branches.”
Suddenly Eric and Cayla both plummet toward the ground. Elara, hovering nearby, breaks their fall and the two land gently.
“Where are we now?” asks jgc.
“This looks vaguely familiar,” offers Gary with a sullen look.
“We’re just outside the sidekick’s barracks,” says Elara. “Come over here. See?”
She leads the group past a thicket near a clearing in the woods, and she points to a strange structure. The angles of the roof look like a drunk person had designed it. Dormers, eaves, and sheathing were all randomly assembled, as if the carpenters had played “pin the tail on the donkey” when adding parts to the structure.
Gary covers his face with his hands. “Oh God. This is humiliating.”
“Friends and colleagues,” says Elara with a wave of her arm, “I give you The Sidekicks Barracks. It was built by Maddie years ago. At the time you all called it The Shed Erection.
“And I was forced to help with the flooring and the mudding,” admits Gary. “But look, guys, I had nothing to work with the design.”
“What’s our plan, Elara?” asks RJ.
“Good question, so listen up,” she says, snapping her fingers again. Cayla is using her hand-vacuum on Eric’s robe, and Elara claps her hands loudly, twice, to get her attention.
"The attack on the chosen sidekick commences in about an hour or so, at 10:12. We have a bifurcated plan. Half the group will try to foil the Hangry one’s plan to capture the sidekick here at the Barracks," explain Elara.
Then she grow deadly serious. "In case this group fails, the other half will be at the location of the subsequent ceremonial torture, mayhem and bloodletting, which is held at The Sacred Sinister Tomb of Dvaraka and Golf Resort."
by scotty
All the ReNexters land with a thud in a wooded area. Late day sunlight filters through the leaves, and it is quiet except for a commotion high up in the trees.
“Little help?” It is the voice of Pastor Eric. “My Robe of Levitation has become the Robe of Vegetation. We’re both caught in some branches.”
Suddenly Eric and Cayla both plummet toward the ground. Elara, hovering nearby, breaks their fall and the two land gently.
“Where are we now?” asks jgc.
“This looks vaguely familiar,” offers Gary with a sullen look.
“We’re just outside the sidekick’s barracks,” says Elara. “Come over here. See?”
She leads the group past a thicket near a clearing in the woods, and she points to a strange structure. The angles of the roof look like a drunk person had designed it. Dormers, eaves, and sheathing were all randomly assembled, as if the carpenters had played “pin the tail on the donkey” when adding parts to the structure.
Gary covers his face with his hands. “Oh God. This is humiliating.”
“Friends and colleagues,” says Elara with a wave of her arm, “I give you The Sidekicks Barracks. It was built by Maddie years ago. At the time you all called it The Shed Erection.
“And I was forced to help with the flooring and the mudding,” admits Gary. “But look, guys, I had nothing to work with the design.”
“What’s our plan, Elara?” asks RJ.
“Good question, so listen up,” she says, snapping her fingers again. Cayla is using her hand-vacuum on Eric’s robe, and Elara claps her hands loudly, twice, to get her attention.
"The attack on the chosen sidekick commences in about an hour or so, at 10:12. We have a bifurcated plan. Half the group will try to foil the Hangry one’s plan to capture the sidekick here at the Barracks," explain Elara.
Then she grow deadly serious. "In case this group fails, the other half will be at the location of the subsequent ceremonial torture, mayhem and bloodletting, which is held at The Sacred Sinister Tomb of Dvaraka and Golf Resort."
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Re: The Great American RENEXT Novel
Chapter Eighteen
by RJ
"I'll stay and protect the sidekicks," says Gary, eyeing the unconventional design of the barracks.
"I'll also stay," adds Maddie. "To protect my unconventional design from Gary. I know what you're thinking."
Gary frowns and folds his arms.
"I'll stay, too," says Lupy.
"And me," says jgc.
"Thank you for your service," says Elara. "May your deaths be quick and painless."
"Wait a minute, I thought this was the easy assignment," says Lupy.
Elara laughs, a bit too macabrely, and pulls out her remote control. "Come along, scotty, RJ, Cayla, and Pastor Eric. We must prepare. This bunch won't provide much of a delay." She creates the swirling black-and-white vortex.
"Do you really need...?" Pastor Eric begins, but Cayla glares at him.
Elara throws her group through the portal and follows them.
Gary, Maddie, jgc, and Lupy stand around with their hands in their pockets, looking around. After a few awkward minutes, Gary says, "We oughtta go in, I guess."
"You first," says Maddie, eyeing him carefully as she follows him.
As they enter the barracks, about thirty people, dressed in their underwear, leap to their feet. "Surprise inspection!" someone screams, their voice cracking with adolescence.
"Relax!" says jgc. "This is not an inspection. Which is good, because this place is filthy."
"I'm sure you've all heard about the horrible, superhuman, supernatural, supercilious demon who is coming to capture and torture one of you to death," says Lupy. "Well, fear not! We... are here to protect you."
They all fling themselves into their beds or drop to their knees, weeping and gnashing their teeth.
"No need to thank us."
"Okay, listen up," says Gary. "I have absolutely no idea who most of you are, so is everybody here?"
"Everybody except Dr McCoy," says The Bartender, dressed only in a black pair of Fruit of the Looms.
"Good boy!" says jgc. "Who's a good boy? You're a good boy!"
"McCoy is accounted for," says Gary.
"Hey, where's RJ's sidekick?" asks Lupy.
"Christie Love?" asks John Audobon. "She's just in the shower."
At that, a piercing scream comes from the shower room and the building starts to shake. The ReNexters, without hesitation, run out the door-- but then think better of it and run back in, and head into the shower.
They are met with a terrifying sight: A great hole has been torn in the roof and the red, bus-sized form of Hortensimus the Hangry is floating above, her angular wings flapping with an odd slowness. Christie Love, naked and dripping wet, is hanging desperately onto the torn edge of the ceiling as Hortensimus tries to drag her skyward by her feet.
"I can't hold on much longer," she yells.
Lupy leaps up and grabs her by the hand just as she starts to slip away. The combined weight is too much for Hortensimus, who is already a bit on the heavy side, and they start to sink down. But, Lupy shouts, "Your hand is too slippery!"
"Sandalwood Citrus body wash!" cries Christie with tears in her eyes.
Just as Christie slips out of Lupy's grip, jgc grabs a pink towel off the rack, balls it up, and tosses it to her. She grabs it as Hortensimus rises quickly into the sky.
"Thank youuuuuu...."
"You're welcommmmmme...."
"Why did you do that?!" demand Gary and Lupy angrily.
"You guys," says jgc. "Now excuse me while I check on my bartender."
by RJ
"I'll stay and protect the sidekicks," says Gary, eyeing the unconventional design of the barracks.
"I'll also stay," adds Maddie. "To protect my unconventional design from Gary. I know what you're thinking."
Gary frowns and folds his arms.
"I'll stay, too," says Lupy.
"And me," says jgc.
"Thank you for your service," says Elara. "May your deaths be quick and painless."
"Wait a minute, I thought this was the easy assignment," says Lupy.
Elara laughs, a bit too macabrely, and pulls out her remote control. "Come along, scotty, RJ, Cayla, and Pastor Eric. We must prepare. This bunch won't provide much of a delay." She creates the swirling black-and-white vortex.
"Do you really need...?" Pastor Eric begins, but Cayla glares at him.
Elara throws her group through the portal and follows them.
Gary, Maddie, jgc, and Lupy stand around with their hands in their pockets, looking around. After a few awkward minutes, Gary says, "We oughtta go in, I guess."
"You first," says Maddie, eyeing him carefully as she follows him.
As they enter the barracks, about thirty people, dressed in their underwear, leap to their feet. "Surprise inspection!" someone screams, their voice cracking with adolescence.
"Relax!" says jgc. "This is not an inspection. Which is good, because this place is filthy."
"I'm sure you've all heard about the horrible, superhuman, supernatural, supercilious demon who is coming to capture and torture one of you to death," says Lupy. "Well, fear not! We... are here to protect you."
They all fling themselves into their beds or drop to their knees, weeping and gnashing their teeth.
"No need to thank us."
"Okay, listen up," says Gary. "I have absolutely no idea who most of you are, so is everybody here?"
"Everybody except Dr McCoy," says The Bartender, dressed only in a black pair of Fruit of the Looms.
"Good boy!" says jgc. "Who's a good boy? You're a good boy!"
"McCoy is accounted for," says Gary.
"Hey, where's RJ's sidekick?" asks Lupy.
"Christie Love?" asks John Audobon. "She's just in the shower."
At that, a piercing scream comes from the shower room and the building starts to shake. The ReNexters, without hesitation, run out the door-- but then think better of it and run back in, and head into the shower.
They are met with a terrifying sight: A great hole has been torn in the roof and the red, bus-sized form of Hortensimus the Hangry is floating above, her angular wings flapping with an odd slowness. Christie Love, naked and dripping wet, is hanging desperately onto the torn edge of the ceiling as Hortensimus tries to drag her skyward by her feet.
"I can't hold on much longer," she yells.
Lupy leaps up and grabs her by the hand just as she starts to slip away. The combined weight is too much for Hortensimus, who is already a bit on the heavy side, and they start to sink down. But, Lupy shouts, "Your hand is too slippery!"
"Sandalwood Citrus body wash!" cries Christie with tears in her eyes.
Just as Christie slips out of Lupy's grip, jgc grabs a pink towel off the rack, balls it up, and tosses it to her. She grabs it as Hortensimus rises quickly into the sky.
"Thank youuuuuu...."
"You're welcommmmmme...."
"Why did you do that?!" demand Gary and Lupy angrily.
"You guys," says jgc. "Now excuse me while I check on my bartender."
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Re: The Great American RENEXT Novel
Chapter Nineteen
by scotty
Meanwhile, scotty, RJ, Cayla, and Pastor Eric are deposited with a thud in the parking of a Taco Bell located at the outskirts of The Sacred Sinister Tomb of Dvaraka and Golf Resort.
Despite the growing darkness of the evening, scotty eyes the resort’s golf course across the road.
“Surely we can play 18 holes, right? It’ll be be awhile before Hortensimus the Hangry dispatches our friends back at the ugly Barracks.”
“No time!” Elara exclaims with authority. “Our Sorcerer Supreme, Pastor Eric, needs time to conduct a ceremony to summon the maximum extent of his powers needed to stop Hortensimus here at the Sacred Sinister Tomb.”
“Just where do you get these powers from?” inquires RJ.
Eric levitates up and down excitedly for a brief moment. Cayla grabs his robe to bring him down to earth.
“From The Great Source,” says Eric. “The Source of All Things Supreme.” He points to the large Taco Bell sign beside them.
“The Burrito Supreme!” he shouts, his arms rising to the sky. “The seasoned beef, refried beans, cheese, sour cream, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and red sauce. These will turn the Hangry into the merely Angry, which as a Pastor I can deal with.”
- - -
Meanwhile, back at the Sidekicks Barracks, Gary, Maddie, jgc, and Lupy are re-grouping after their encounter with Hortensimus.
“Okay that was a close call,” says Lupy.
“But we defeated that awful beast, didn’t we?” says jgc, adjusting her hair and tucking in her shirt after spending a few minutes alone with her sidekick.
“Not at all,” observes Gary. “She’ll be back. She got a taste of love, Christie to be exact, and she wants more. A lot more.”
Maddie speaks up. “We had an opportunity to destroy the bloody beast and we let it slip through our fingers.”
“What are you talking about?” Lupy asks. "There's no destroying that thing."
“The mummified cats. We had the power all along. Just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. If we had hurled the cats at that… that thing… we could have destroyed her just like RJ destroyed scotty’s bathtub.”
Gary then blurts out, “She's right, and I have a plan! I haven't been this excited since I used expanding foam to seal the header in the bathroom before embarking on sealing many areas in the attic where wiring runs through the top plates down the walls."
A sidekick in his underwear runs by the group and disappears into another room.
"Well?" says Lupy.
"I now know exactly what we need to do when the Hangry returns," explains Gary.
by scotty
Meanwhile, scotty, RJ, Cayla, and Pastor Eric are deposited with a thud in the parking of a Taco Bell located at the outskirts of The Sacred Sinister Tomb of Dvaraka and Golf Resort.
Despite the growing darkness of the evening, scotty eyes the resort’s golf course across the road.
“Surely we can play 18 holes, right? It’ll be be awhile before Hortensimus the Hangry dispatches our friends back at the ugly Barracks.”
“No time!” Elara exclaims with authority. “Our Sorcerer Supreme, Pastor Eric, needs time to conduct a ceremony to summon the maximum extent of his powers needed to stop Hortensimus here at the Sacred Sinister Tomb.”
“Just where do you get these powers from?” inquires RJ.
Eric levitates up and down excitedly for a brief moment. Cayla grabs his robe to bring him down to earth.
“From The Great Source,” says Eric. “The Source of All Things Supreme.” He points to the large Taco Bell sign beside them.
“The Burrito Supreme!” he shouts, his arms rising to the sky. “The seasoned beef, refried beans, cheese, sour cream, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and red sauce. These will turn the Hangry into the merely Angry, which as a Pastor I can deal with.”
- - -
Meanwhile, back at the Sidekicks Barracks, Gary, Maddie, jgc, and Lupy are re-grouping after their encounter with Hortensimus.
“Okay that was a close call,” says Lupy.
“But we defeated that awful beast, didn’t we?” says jgc, adjusting her hair and tucking in her shirt after spending a few minutes alone with her sidekick.
“Not at all,” observes Gary. “She’ll be back. She got a taste of love, Christie to be exact, and she wants more. A lot more.”
Maddie speaks up. “We had an opportunity to destroy the bloody beast and we let it slip through our fingers.”
“What are you talking about?” Lupy asks. "There's no destroying that thing."
“The mummified cats. We had the power all along. Just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. If we had hurled the cats at that… that thing… we could have destroyed her just like RJ destroyed scotty’s bathtub.”
Gary then blurts out, “She's right, and I have a plan! I haven't been this excited since I used expanding foam to seal the header in the bathroom before embarking on sealing many areas in the attic where wiring runs through the top plates down the walls."
A sidekick in his underwear runs by the group and disappears into another room.
"Well?" says Lupy.
"I now know exactly what we need to do when the Hangry returns," explains Gary.
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Re: The Great American RENEXT Novel
Chapter Twenty
by RJ
Sitting at a picnic table outside Taco Bell, Pastor Eric finishes his burrito, licking the last bits of the Sorcerer Supreme Secret Sauce Source off his fingers. He takes a deep breath and sighs contentedly, closing his eyes in meditation.
"I heard these fast food places have secret menus, but this is ridiculous," says RJ.
"Are you ready, Pastor Eric?" asks Elara.
"Zzzz," says Pastor Eric.
Cayla nudges him in the side, but it's Elara's whack upside the head that wakes him up. "I said, are you ready?"
"Ready as I'll ever be," replies the Pastor Supreme. "But before we head over, let's get our mummified cats together so we'll be prepared to set up the counterspell when we get there.
Everybody dumps their cat corpse on the picnic table. The Tesseract of Chocolate Quisp pops out of the ear of scotty's cat and Cayla quickly stuffs it back in before scotty can eat it.
"There are only five here," says Elara. "Where are the other five?"
scotty shrugs. "Back with the others, I guess."
"Why?" asks RJ. "Do we need them all?"
Elara closes her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose. "Yes, we need them all. That's why we got them all. Now our asses are truly butter battered and deep fried to a crispy golden brown."
Suddenly, a small cry for help floats by on the wind. "Help... help me...."
"Look," says Cayla. "Up in the sky."
"It's a bird," says RJ.
"It's a plane," says scotty.
"It's Hortensimus the Hangry, you idiots," says Elara. "And she's headed for The Sacred Sinister Tomb of Dvaraka and Golf Resort. Also, she appears to be carrying a beautiful, scantily clad Black woman who's trying to cover herself with a pink towel."
"Uh oh," says RJ.
****
"Done!" exclaims Gary, standing up from the Rube Goldberg contraption that he has hurriedly built. It took him a little longer than he expected, because he had to cut down trees to make his own two-by-fours-- Maddie wouldn't let him cannibalize the Sidekick Barracks.
"What is that crazy thing?" asks jgc.
Smiling, Gary lifts the machine and sets it upright on its wheels, where its purpose becomes apparent.
"A trebuchet!" exclaims Lupy.
"Exactly," responds Gary. "This is exactly what we need."
"So we're going to shoot the mummified cats at Hortensimus the Hangry when she returns?" asks Maddie.
"Oh, no," says Gary. "By the time Hortensimus returns for more sidekicks, she will have already plunged the sacred dagger into Christie Love's... um... torso." He shrugs and blushes. "At that point, she'll be too powerful to stop by any means. In fact, it occurred to me that we'll probably need all ten together, so we'll have to catch up with the others before you-know-what."
"How will the trebuchet help us do that?" asks Lupy.
"Which way is Taco Bell?" asks Gary.
jgc looks around an points North by Northwest.
"Great," says Gary, wheeling the trebuchet around and aiming it with superhuman accuracy. "Okay, everybody get in."
by RJ
Sitting at a picnic table outside Taco Bell, Pastor Eric finishes his burrito, licking the last bits of the Sorcerer Supreme Secret Sauce Source off his fingers. He takes a deep breath and sighs contentedly, closing his eyes in meditation.
"I heard these fast food places have secret menus, but this is ridiculous," says RJ.
"Are you ready, Pastor Eric?" asks Elara.
"Zzzz," says Pastor Eric.
Cayla nudges him in the side, but it's Elara's whack upside the head that wakes him up. "I said, are you ready?"
"Ready as I'll ever be," replies the Pastor Supreme. "But before we head over, let's get our mummified cats together so we'll be prepared to set up the counterspell when we get there.
Everybody dumps their cat corpse on the picnic table. The Tesseract of Chocolate Quisp pops out of the ear of scotty's cat and Cayla quickly stuffs it back in before scotty can eat it.
"There are only five here," says Elara. "Where are the other five?"
scotty shrugs. "Back with the others, I guess."
"Why?" asks RJ. "Do we need them all?"
Elara closes her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose. "Yes, we need them all. That's why we got them all. Now our asses are truly butter battered and deep fried to a crispy golden brown."
Suddenly, a small cry for help floats by on the wind. "Help... help me...."
"Look," says Cayla. "Up in the sky."
"It's a bird," says RJ.
"It's a plane," says scotty.
"It's Hortensimus the Hangry, you idiots," says Elara. "And she's headed for The Sacred Sinister Tomb of Dvaraka and Golf Resort. Also, she appears to be carrying a beautiful, scantily clad Black woman who's trying to cover herself with a pink towel."
"Uh oh," says RJ.
****
"Done!" exclaims Gary, standing up from the Rube Goldberg contraption that he has hurriedly built. It took him a little longer than he expected, because he had to cut down trees to make his own two-by-fours-- Maddie wouldn't let him cannibalize the Sidekick Barracks.
"What is that crazy thing?" asks jgc.
Smiling, Gary lifts the machine and sets it upright on its wheels, where its purpose becomes apparent.
"A trebuchet!" exclaims Lupy.
"Exactly," responds Gary. "This is exactly what we need."
"So we're going to shoot the mummified cats at Hortensimus the Hangry when she returns?" asks Maddie.
"Oh, no," says Gary. "By the time Hortensimus returns for more sidekicks, she will have already plunged the sacred dagger into Christie Love's... um... torso." He shrugs and blushes. "At that point, she'll be too powerful to stop by any means. In fact, it occurred to me that we'll probably need all ten together, so we'll have to catch up with the others before you-know-what."
"How will the trebuchet help us do that?" asks Lupy.
"Which way is Taco Bell?" asks Gary.
jgc looks around an points North by Northwest.
"Great," says Gary, wheeling the trebuchet around and aiming it with superhuman accuracy. "Okay, everybody get in."
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Re: The Great American RENEXT Novel
Chapter Twenty-One
by scotty
Gary, Maddie, jgc, and Lupy all scamper into the trebuchet’s perch, clutching their mummified cats tightly to their chests. They are crammed together, leading jgc to wonder if any of these people use deodorant.
“I’ve seen these in operation at Renaissance Faires,” says Lupy. “They’re dangerous. You have tested it, haven’t you, Gary?”
“Umm, it depends on what you mean by ‘test’,” says Gary, avoiding eye contact.
“Ouch! I got a splinter,” says Maddie.
“That’s odd. I sanded, polished, and then powerwashed all the wood, carefully applying a polyurethane stain that I found in the Barracks. There should be no splinters.”
Maddie flashes him a mean look.
“Okay, Lupy, on ‘three’, you cut the cord holding the counterweight beam. We’ll soar like a bat outa hell toward the new Taco Bell.”
“Hey, that rhymes,” says jgc.
“One… two… THREEEEE!”
In one violent thrust, the ReNexters are catapulted at ludicrous speed high into the night sky. While in mid-air, Lupy shouts to Gary, “How are we going to survive the landing?”
“Wait, what?” says Gary.
Everyone screams and wails.
“Calm down, all of you!” says jgc. “We’ll be fine. We can trust Elara… and that weird guy in the robe!”
The screams and wails get louder.
-
Elara, scotty, RJ, Cayla, and Pastor Eric all look to the sky in horror. Hortensimus the Hangry is flying overhead, its talons gripping one end of a pink towel with Christie Love, stricken with terror and quite naked, holding onto the other end with her life.
“That’s my sidekick and we’ve got to do whatever it takes to save her,” exclaims RJ, who has just finished eating his first Burrito Supreme. He is about to bring the second one to his mouth when Elara slaps it out of his hand.
“We must leave NOW!” she shouts.
“Not yet,” insists Eric. “I ordered a thousand Burrito Supremes and they’re not quite ready. See, the buzzer thingy they gave me hasn’t buzzed yet.”
“I’ll hurry them up,” says Cayla, “and I’ll threaten them with this if I have to.” She removes her knee brace. Wielding it like a medieval mace, she storms into the Taco Bell.
Hortensimus and Christie Love fly off toward the Sacred Sinister Tomb of Dvaraka and Golf Resort. The sound of Christie Love’s screams gives way to the sound of scottydog biting into a hard taco shell.
Crashes and screams can be heard from inside the Taco Bell.
Then the group hears a piercing whistling sound, much like a bomb dropping. It gets louder.
“Umm, folks,” says scotty. “Look up! We’ve got incoming!”
Everyone scatters under nearby picnic tables.
by scotty
Gary, Maddie, jgc, and Lupy all scamper into the trebuchet’s perch, clutching their mummified cats tightly to their chests. They are crammed together, leading jgc to wonder if any of these people use deodorant.
“I’ve seen these in operation at Renaissance Faires,” says Lupy. “They’re dangerous. You have tested it, haven’t you, Gary?”
“Umm, it depends on what you mean by ‘test’,” says Gary, avoiding eye contact.
“Ouch! I got a splinter,” says Maddie.
“That’s odd. I sanded, polished, and then powerwashed all the wood, carefully applying a polyurethane stain that I found in the Barracks. There should be no splinters.”
Maddie flashes him a mean look.
“Okay, Lupy, on ‘three’, you cut the cord holding the counterweight beam. We’ll soar like a bat outa hell toward the new Taco Bell.”
“Hey, that rhymes,” says jgc.
“One… two… THREEEEE!”
In one violent thrust, the ReNexters are catapulted at ludicrous speed high into the night sky. While in mid-air, Lupy shouts to Gary, “How are we going to survive the landing?”
“Wait, what?” says Gary.
Everyone screams and wails.
“Calm down, all of you!” says jgc. “We’ll be fine. We can trust Elara… and that weird guy in the robe!”
The screams and wails get louder.
-
Elara, scotty, RJ, Cayla, and Pastor Eric all look to the sky in horror. Hortensimus the Hangry is flying overhead, its talons gripping one end of a pink towel with Christie Love, stricken with terror and quite naked, holding onto the other end with her life.
“That’s my sidekick and we’ve got to do whatever it takes to save her,” exclaims RJ, who has just finished eating his first Burrito Supreme. He is about to bring the second one to his mouth when Elara slaps it out of his hand.
“We must leave NOW!” she shouts.
“Not yet,” insists Eric. “I ordered a thousand Burrito Supremes and they’re not quite ready. See, the buzzer thingy they gave me hasn’t buzzed yet.”
“I’ll hurry them up,” says Cayla, “and I’ll threaten them with this if I have to.” She removes her knee brace. Wielding it like a medieval mace, she storms into the Taco Bell.
Hortensimus and Christie Love fly off toward the Sacred Sinister Tomb of Dvaraka and Golf Resort. The sound of Christie Love’s screams gives way to the sound of scottydog biting into a hard taco shell.
Crashes and screams can be heard from inside the Taco Bell.
Then the group hears a piercing whistling sound, much like a bomb dropping. It gets louder.
“Umm, folks,” says scotty. “Look up! We’ve got incoming!”
Everyone scatters under nearby picnic tables.
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RJDiogenes
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Re: The Great American RENEXT Novel
Chapter Twenty-Two
by RJ
scotty peeks out from under his table and says, "That missile appears to be a trebuchet bucket carrying Maddie, Gary, jgc, and Lupy in an uncontrolled ballistic trajectory terminating right here!"
RJ looks impressed. "Say that again."
"Say what again?"
"Never mind," says RJ. "Elara, you've got to use your phantasmagorical powers to bring them to a soft landing or they'll be pulped. And not in a good way."
"Are you nuts?" asks Elara. "I'm only ectoplasm. It would take me six months to pull myself together. Why do you think I post so seldom. Seldomly. Seldom. I'm not sure which that would be."
"It's too late!" RJ screams quietly, which is really the best he can do. "Here they come!'
The trebuchet bucket hurtles in like an ICBM and, at the last second, strikes the set of power lines running right overhead. With a sound not unlike Jimi Hendrix playing the National Anthem, the wires stretch downward, robbing the bucket of its momentum and depositing it gently on the ground between the picnic tables.
"Whew!" says Lupy. "That was cl..."
The power lines rebound, flinging the bucket back into the air in the general direction of the Sacred Sinister Whatever Place.
"Why didn't you grab them?" shouts scotty.
"Because I'm not stupid," replies RJ sarcastically.
There follows a couple of minutes of awkward silence, coughing, and foot shuffling. Luckily, Cayla bursts out of the Taco Bell and interrupts all the nothingness.
"They're sending a truck with the burritos directly over to the Sinister Sacrum Whatsit," she says. "What did I miss?"
"It's more like what missed you," says RJ. "But there's no time for that now. We've got to go save Christie! And some other people!"
by RJ
scotty peeks out from under his table and says, "That missile appears to be a trebuchet bucket carrying Maddie, Gary, jgc, and Lupy in an uncontrolled ballistic trajectory terminating right here!"
RJ looks impressed. "Say that again."
"Say what again?"
"Never mind," says RJ. "Elara, you've got to use your phantasmagorical powers to bring them to a soft landing or they'll be pulped. And not in a good way."
"Are you nuts?" asks Elara. "I'm only ectoplasm. It would take me six months to pull myself together. Why do you think I post so seldom. Seldomly. Seldom. I'm not sure which that would be."
"It's too late!" RJ screams quietly, which is really the best he can do. "Here they come!'
The trebuchet bucket hurtles in like an ICBM and, at the last second, strikes the set of power lines running right overhead. With a sound not unlike Jimi Hendrix playing the National Anthem, the wires stretch downward, robbing the bucket of its momentum and depositing it gently on the ground between the picnic tables.
"Whew!" says Lupy. "That was cl..."
The power lines rebound, flinging the bucket back into the air in the general direction of the Sacred Sinister Whatever Place.
"Why didn't you grab them?" shouts scotty.
"Because I'm not stupid," replies RJ sarcastically.
There follows a couple of minutes of awkward silence, coughing, and foot shuffling. Luckily, Cayla bursts out of the Taco Bell and interrupts all the nothingness.
"They're sending a truck with the burritos directly over to the Sinister Sacrum Whatsit," she says. "What did I miss?"
"It's more like what missed you," says RJ. "But there's no time for that now. We've got to go save Christie! And some other people!"
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RJDiogenes
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Re: The Great American RENEXT Novel
Chapter Twenty-Three
by scotty
Elara pulls out her remote, clicks, and makes her black and white vortex appear. She then throws everyone, including the massive load of Burrito Supremes, into the vortex.
They all land, on their backs, in a large, dark, wet, sticky, gooey expanse.
“Where the hell are we?” shouts RJ, his mummified cat in one arm and five half-eaten burritos in the other.
“Isn’t it obvious?” says Elara. “We’re in the only place that gives us a one-in-a-zillion chance of saving ourselves and Christie Love. Fellow ReNexters,” she shouts, waving her arm like Vanna White, “this is the stomach of Hortensimus the Hangry!”
“The belly of the whale,” notes scotty. “Exactly. This is the pivotal stage of the hero journey.”
“That’s it,” says Cayla, looking at Eric and his robe resting in a puddle of stomach goo. “I give up. This robe will never get clean.”
“No time!” shouts Elara. “I have to fetch the trebuchet bucket carrying Maddie, Gary, jgc, and Lupy.”
She activates the vortex and disappears quickly into it.
A moment later, Maddie, Gary, jgc, and Lupy appear out of nowhere, splashing into a deeper puddle of Hangry Goo.
For a moment, the two groups of reunited friends consider hugging each other, but think better of it.
“Welcome back, strangers,” says RJ.
“Wait’ll you see the photos I took from the flying bucket,” says Lupy. “Can I post them now to the picture thread?”
“Again I tell you -- No time!” claps Elara.
by scotty
Elara pulls out her remote, clicks, and makes her black and white vortex appear. She then throws everyone, including the massive load of Burrito Supremes, into the vortex.
They all land, on their backs, in a large, dark, wet, sticky, gooey expanse.
“Where the hell are we?” shouts RJ, his mummified cat in one arm and five half-eaten burritos in the other.
“Isn’t it obvious?” says Elara. “We’re in the only place that gives us a one-in-a-zillion chance of saving ourselves and Christie Love. Fellow ReNexters,” she shouts, waving her arm like Vanna White, “this is the stomach of Hortensimus the Hangry!”
“The belly of the whale,” notes scotty. “Exactly. This is the pivotal stage of the hero journey.”
“That’s it,” says Cayla, looking at Eric and his robe resting in a puddle of stomach goo. “I give up. This robe will never get clean.”
“No time!” shouts Elara. “I have to fetch the trebuchet bucket carrying Maddie, Gary, jgc, and Lupy.”
She activates the vortex and disappears quickly into it.
A moment later, Maddie, Gary, jgc, and Lupy appear out of nowhere, splashing into a deeper puddle of Hangry Goo.
For a moment, the two groups of reunited friends consider hugging each other, but think better of it.
“Welcome back, strangers,” says RJ.
“Wait’ll you see the photos I took from the flying bucket,” says Lupy. “Can I post them now to the picture thread?”
“Again I tell you -- No time!” claps Elara.
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RJDiogenes
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Re: The Great American RENEXT Novel
Chapter Twenty-Four
by RJ
"Come on, these are awesome," says Lupy, wiping slime from the screen of his iPhone. "Look at this one."
"I said there's no-- wait a minute, let me see that."
"Tolja."
The picture on Lupy's phone shows an aerial view of the Dvaraka Place, which is an abandoned mini golf course.
"I was expecting something more along the lines of Notre Dame," says scotty.
Elara pinches the picture and zooms in, showing what looks like the disembodied head of Hortensimus the Hangry, complete with its own set of arms and legs, carrying a semi-toweled Christie Love over the chained entrance of the golf course.
"Aha!" says Elara. "I forgot that Hortensimus has a detachable head. That means she will be at her most vulnerable as she performs the human sacrifice. What a break for our side!"
"Unfortunately, being slowly digested in the belly of the beast is a bit of a setback," says Cayla.
"Let me take care of that!" cries Pastor Eric. He quickly begins ripping open the packaging of the burritos and tossing them randomly about. The more burritos that collect on the lining of the demon's stomach, the more it twitches and convulses, until finally the entire organ heaves and vermiculates the entire bunch up through the giant throat and drops them on the parking lot. They shake their heads and find themselves next to Hortensimus's giant headless body, which is lying right in the roadway. Car horns can be heard blaring on her other side.
"Eric!" cries Cayla affectionately. "That was brilliant!"
Pastor Eric shrugs humbly and says, "Just call me Ishmael."
"That's Moby Dick," says RJ.
"Thanks for ruining my moment!"
"Focus, people!" shouts Elara. "We have mere minutes to go and we have have to search this entire mini golf course."
"Hello," says jgc. "It's mini. That means small."
"It's big enough! And there's eighteen holes."
"We should probably go straight to the last one," suggests Gary.
"What makes you say that?" asks Elara.
"Well, that's the hole that has a, you know, drain," he says uncomfortably. "And, you know, human sacrifice, well...." He looks a little ill and everybody else throws up a little in their throats.
"Okay, let's do that," says Elara. "Does everybody have their mummified cats? Yes? Yes? Good. Here we go."
by RJ
"Come on, these are awesome," says Lupy, wiping slime from the screen of his iPhone. "Look at this one."
"I said there's no-- wait a minute, let me see that."
"Tolja."
The picture on Lupy's phone shows an aerial view of the Dvaraka Place, which is an abandoned mini golf course.
"I was expecting something more along the lines of Notre Dame," says scotty.
Elara pinches the picture and zooms in, showing what looks like the disembodied head of Hortensimus the Hangry, complete with its own set of arms and legs, carrying a semi-toweled Christie Love over the chained entrance of the golf course.
"Aha!" says Elara. "I forgot that Hortensimus has a detachable head. That means she will be at her most vulnerable as she performs the human sacrifice. What a break for our side!"
"Unfortunately, being slowly digested in the belly of the beast is a bit of a setback," says Cayla.
"Let me take care of that!" cries Pastor Eric. He quickly begins ripping open the packaging of the burritos and tossing them randomly about. The more burritos that collect on the lining of the demon's stomach, the more it twitches and convulses, until finally the entire organ heaves and vermiculates the entire bunch up through the giant throat and drops them on the parking lot. They shake their heads and find themselves next to Hortensimus's giant headless body, which is lying right in the roadway. Car horns can be heard blaring on her other side.
"Eric!" cries Cayla affectionately. "That was brilliant!"
Pastor Eric shrugs humbly and says, "Just call me Ishmael."
"That's Moby Dick," says RJ.
"Thanks for ruining my moment!"
"Focus, people!" shouts Elara. "We have mere minutes to go and we have have to search this entire mini golf course."
"Hello," says jgc. "It's mini. That means small."
"It's big enough! And there's eighteen holes."
"We should probably go straight to the last one," suggests Gary.
"What makes you say that?" asks Elara.
"Well, that's the hole that has a, you know, drain," he says uncomfortably. "And, you know, human sacrifice, well...." He looks a little ill and everybody else throws up a little in their throats.
"Okay, let's do that," says Elara. "Does everybody have their mummified cats? Yes? Yes? Good. Here we go."
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RJDiogenes
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Re: The Great American RENEXT Novel
Chapter Twenty-Five
by scotty
The group trudges through a parking lot and then a graveyard to the Sacred Sinister Temple Mini-Golf course.
"Look there!" says RJ, pointing to the golf course sign.
A pink towel is draped over the sign, with splotches of stain marks from Sandalwood Citrus body wash.
They arrive at the first hole, and scotty scampers up the windmill, grabs onto one of the big blades, and starts spinning clockwise. Lupy takes photos of the spectacle, but Gary pulls scotty off the windmill and hits him over the head with his mummied cat. The tail of the cat fall off, and Gary extracts duct tape from his pocket to repair the carcass.
"Quiet, all of you!" cautions Elara. "We don't want to ruin the element of surprise."
Pastor Eric lets out a scream.
The second hole features an oversized clown's head, and Eric lies at the base of the head, whimpering.
"Eric's got coulrophobia -- a fear of clowns," explains Cayla. She rushes over to comfort him. "You may be Sorcerer Supreme, but you're also Scaredy Cat Supreme."
Again, Elara pinches her nose, shaking her head. "Straight to the last hole! And no dilly-dallying!"
Suddenly the group hears the sound of men chanting. Many men, with deep, deep voices. Only the sound doesn't quite sound human. The chanting repeats itself.
"Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do." Over and over again.
The wind kicks up. Dust swirls everywhere. Flying insects the size of hummingbirds fill the air.
The chanting continues, and grows louder as they approach. The wind grows stronger.
"Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do."
"Hold on," says RJ, pulling out his iphone. "I want to record this for my next film project."
by scotty
The group trudges through a parking lot and then a graveyard to the Sacred Sinister Temple Mini-Golf course.
"Look there!" says RJ, pointing to the golf course sign.
A pink towel is draped over the sign, with splotches of stain marks from Sandalwood Citrus body wash.
They arrive at the first hole, and scotty scampers up the windmill, grabs onto one of the big blades, and starts spinning clockwise. Lupy takes photos of the spectacle, but Gary pulls scotty off the windmill and hits him over the head with his mummied cat. The tail of the cat fall off, and Gary extracts duct tape from his pocket to repair the carcass.
"Quiet, all of you!" cautions Elara. "We don't want to ruin the element of surprise."
Pastor Eric lets out a scream.
The second hole features an oversized clown's head, and Eric lies at the base of the head, whimpering.
"Eric's got coulrophobia -- a fear of clowns," explains Cayla. She rushes over to comfort him. "You may be Sorcerer Supreme, but you're also Scaredy Cat Supreme."
Again, Elara pinches her nose, shaking her head. "Straight to the last hole! And no dilly-dallying!"
Suddenly the group hears the sound of men chanting. Many men, with deep, deep voices. Only the sound doesn't quite sound human. The chanting repeats itself.
"Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do." Over and over again.
The wind kicks up. Dust swirls everywhere. Flying insects the size of hummingbirds fill the air.
The chanting continues, and grows louder as they approach. The wind grows stronger.
"Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do."
"Hold on," says RJ, pulling out his iphone. "I want to record this for my next film project."
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RJDiogenes
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Re: The Great American RENEXT Novel
Chapter Twenty-Six
by RJ
"Your next film project will be posted posthumously if you don't hurry up," says Elara, kicking him in the butt.
"You're posthumous and you seem okay," retorts RJ smugly.
Elara thinks for a minute and then waves her arms and says, "But I have seen things that would curdle your mortal soul! Whooo!"
RJ hurries along, and in a few seconds they reach the 18th hole. They just kind of stand there, staring at it.
"I've never seen a mini golf obstacle like that," says Gary. "Not even that one in the Black Forest that we came across when I was in the Navy."
Behind the final hole lies a solid stone altar, carved from volcanic rock and decorated at the four corners with twisted brass gargoyles, each holding a chain attached to a manacle. Behind the altar are two elaborately carved braziers, both spitting towers of odd green flame into the air. On each side of the altar are stacks of column array speakers wired to an old gray public school turntable that's playing Manfred Mann's Greatest Hits at 33 1/3.
"This could be the End Times," says Pastor Eric, swizzling his fingers inside his ears.
In front of the altar, the Head of Hortensimus the Hangry, which is about the size of an old VW Beatle, is struggling to drag Christie Love up onto the altar and chain her down. She's having a hard time because her human-sized arms and legs are woefully inadequate to support her giant head and she has no neck, and basically the whole detachable head idea was not well thought through by Felonius Drunk, the demon-maker who made her in the 3rd century.
"She looks like MODOK," says Lupy, and everybody laughs uproariously, even Elara.
RJ waves. "Christie! We're here!"
Christie, now completely naked without her towel, is trying to cover herself up and resist Hortensimus at the same time. "Good for you, Sugar," she says. "Now toss me your coat, will you?"
"But I'm chilly."
"Listen up, everyone," says Elara, stamping her foot. "While the Pastor Supreme marshals his occult powers, we have to prepare the elements of the spell. Take your mummified cats and arrange them in a circle right in front of the golf hole."
"Begone, you worms!" cries Hortensimus. By now she has Christie pinned on the altar with her left wrist manacled, but Christie is still struggling. "You'll not save your precious Christie, or yourselves!"
"Haha," says RJ. "From the looks of things, Christie doesn't even need us."
"I need you! I need you!" screams Christie.
With the ten mummified cats arranged in a circle, Elara steps inside with a bottle of rock salt and pours out the shape of the Infinity sign right at the center.
"What's the figure eight for?" asks jgc.
"It's an Infinity sign," says Maddie. "See? Tilt your head like this."
"What if it looks like a figure eight from where Hortensimus is standing behind the altar?"
"It does look like a figure eight to me," says Hortensimus, having by this time completely manacled Christie's wrists and ankles.
"It doesn't matter!" says Elara to jgc in exasperation. She waggles her finger at Hortensimus. "And you know it doesn't matter!"
Suddenly there is a crack of lightning and an eerie glow arises from the form of Pastor Eric and everybody gasps.
"By the Derring-Do of Ditko!" he cries. "I am ready!"
by RJ
"Your next film project will be posted posthumously if you don't hurry up," says Elara, kicking him in the butt.
"You're posthumous and you seem okay," retorts RJ smugly.
Elara thinks for a minute and then waves her arms and says, "But I have seen things that would curdle your mortal soul! Whooo!"
RJ hurries along, and in a few seconds they reach the 18th hole. They just kind of stand there, staring at it.
"I've never seen a mini golf obstacle like that," says Gary. "Not even that one in the Black Forest that we came across when I was in the Navy."
Behind the final hole lies a solid stone altar, carved from volcanic rock and decorated at the four corners with twisted brass gargoyles, each holding a chain attached to a manacle. Behind the altar are two elaborately carved braziers, both spitting towers of odd green flame into the air. On each side of the altar are stacks of column array speakers wired to an old gray public school turntable that's playing Manfred Mann's Greatest Hits at 33 1/3.
"This could be the End Times," says Pastor Eric, swizzling his fingers inside his ears.
In front of the altar, the Head of Hortensimus the Hangry, which is about the size of an old VW Beatle, is struggling to drag Christie Love up onto the altar and chain her down. She's having a hard time because her human-sized arms and legs are woefully inadequate to support her giant head and she has no neck, and basically the whole detachable head idea was not well thought through by Felonius Drunk, the demon-maker who made her in the 3rd century.
"She looks like MODOK," says Lupy, and everybody laughs uproariously, even Elara.
RJ waves. "Christie! We're here!"
Christie, now completely naked without her towel, is trying to cover herself up and resist Hortensimus at the same time. "Good for you, Sugar," she says. "Now toss me your coat, will you?"
"But I'm chilly."
"Listen up, everyone," says Elara, stamping her foot. "While the Pastor Supreme marshals his occult powers, we have to prepare the elements of the spell. Take your mummified cats and arrange them in a circle right in front of the golf hole."
"Begone, you worms!" cries Hortensimus. By now she has Christie pinned on the altar with her left wrist manacled, but Christie is still struggling. "You'll not save your precious Christie, or yourselves!"
"Haha," says RJ. "From the looks of things, Christie doesn't even need us."
"I need you! I need you!" screams Christie.
With the ten mummified cats arranged in a circle, Elara steps inside with a bottle of rock salt and pours out the shape of the Infinity sign right at the center.
"What's the figure eight for?" asks jgc.
"It's an Infinity sign," says Maddie. "See? Tilt your head like this."
"What if it looks like a figure eight from where Hortensimus is standing behind the altar?"
"It does look like a figure eight to me," says Hortensimus, having by this time completely manacled Christie's wrists and ankles.
"It doesn't matter!" says Elara to jgc in exasperation. She waggles her finger at Hortensimus. "And you know it doesn't matter!"
Suddenly there is a crack of lightning and an eerie glow arises from the form of Pastor Eric and everybody gasps.
"By the Derring-Do of Ditko!" he cries. "I am ready!"
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RJDiogenes
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Re: The Great American RENEXT Novel
Chapter Twenty-Seven
by scotty
Then the group witnesses the most surreal sight that they’ve laid eyes on since RJ’s video of the Turkey Death Ritual of 2018.
The mummified cats come to life. They prance along the perimeter of the circle, tails in the air, dancing to the Cecil Skulduggery music in Arsène Lupin films. In one paw they each wave jgc’s Afghan, and on the beat of the music they rise onto their hind legs, thrust one front paw in the air, and strike a Travolta Saturday Night Fever pose.
In the center of the circle, Pastor Eric is standing tall, his head thrown back, his arms outstretched. “Vos omnes ministri odey et destructiones et seratore discorde,” he shouts. “And E Pluribus Unum!”
The wind and dust intensify. All the ReNexters drop to their knees and shield their eyes.
Eric continues. “ I summon you. Menthos, East Wind. I summon you. Legos, South Wind. I summon you. All Mattel Toys. The Wind of 60s TV Shows, I summon you.”
“Oh Holy Sacred Felines, Oh Great Catnip Worshippers… Do Your Thing!”
Suddenly all 10 animated mummifed cats reach into their ears, pull out the Tesseracts, and hurl them at Hortensimus the Hangry. Each Tesseract hits her, a puff of steam and spit spurts from her scaly skin, jettisoning into the air like fireworks. The beast lets out a loud "DOO WOP" in pain.
In a surprise move, RJ reaches into his overcoat and pulls out Chloe. Similarly, jgc reaches into her knitting bag and removes Queenie. The two cats join their mummified brethren in attacking Hortensiumus.
Lupy removes a large bag of popcorn from his pocket and begins munching as he watches.
All the cats, both dead and living, now hiss and cough hairballs at the Hangry. Their hair stands on end and their paws and claws begin to pummel the struggling beast.
by scotty
Then the group witnesses the most surreal sight that they’ve laid eyes on since RJ’s video of the Turkey Death Ritual of 2018.
The mummified cats come to life. They prance along the perimeter of the circle, tails in the air, dancing to the Cecil Skulduggery music in Arsène Lupin films. In one paw they each wave jgc’s Afghan, and on the beat of the music they rise onto their hind legs, thrust one front paw in the air, and strike a Travolta Saturday Night Fever pose.
In the center of the circle, Pastor Eric is standing tall, his head thrown back, his arms outstretched. “Vos omnes ministri odey et destructiones et seratore discorde,” he shouts. “And E Pluribus Unum!”
The wind and dust intensify. All the ReNexters drop to their knees and shield their eyes.
Eric continues. “ I summon you. Menthos, East Wind. I summon you. Legos, South Wind. I summon you. All Mattel Toys. The Wind of 60s TV Shows, I summon you.”
“Oh Holy Sacred Felines, Oh Great Catnip Worshippers… Do Your Thing!”
Suddenly all 10 animated mummifed cats reach into their ears, pull out the Tesseracts, and hurl them at Hortensimus the Hangry. Each Tesseract hits her, a puff of steam and spit spurts from her scaly skin, jettisoning into the air like fireworks. The beast lets out a loud "DOO WOP" in pain.
In a surprise move, RJ reaches into his overcoat and pulls out Chloe. Similarly, jgc reaches into her knitting bag and removes Queenie. The two cats join their mummified brethren in attacking Hortensiumus.
Lupy removes a large bag of popcorn from his pocket and begins munching as he watches.
All the cats, both dead and living, now hiss and cough hairballs at the Hangry. Their hair stands on end and their paws and claws begin to pummel the struggling beast.
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RJDiogenes
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Re: The Great American RENEXT Novel
Chapter Twenty-Eight
by RJ
"Carpe Demon!" cries Pastor Eric.
"Get me the Hell out of here!" cries Christie.
jgc whips out a crochet needle from her knitting bag and rushes up to the altar, and gets to work picking the locks on the manacles. Meanwhile, Pastor Eric is weaving back and forth, waving his hands in the air like an over-caffeinated Arthur Fiedler. The Zombie cats are chewing away at Hortensimus's leathery flesh, while Queenie and Chloe scratch at her eyes.
"Seems good," says Gary.
"Yes, I like it when cats eat demons," says Maddie. "I don't like it when they eat birds."
Lupy finishes his popcorn and tosses the crumpled-up bag over his shoulder. Maddie snaps her fingers reprovingly and points at it. Lupy rolls his eyes and places it in the proper receptacle.
By this time, Hortensimus has been reduced mostly to bone-- which looks kind of like driftwood with scary faces carved into it. Her arms and legs have all dropped off and her eyes are gone. Queenie and Chloe are curled up on Christie Love, licking their paws, while jgc works on the second manacle.
"Sic transit gloria mundi," whines Hortensimus.
"There's just one more thing!" Pastor Eric shouts above the Gregorian droning of Manfred Mann. "Everybody gather in a circle and hold hands!"
"Excuse me a minute," jgc says to Christie.
Everybody gathers in a circle around the rock salt Infinity sign, which is kind of trampled by cat paws now, and holds hands.
"Ew, your fingers are all buttery," Cayla says to Lupy. "Don't you carry wipes?"
"Repeat after me!" shouts the Pastor. "Dead cats and live cats, something borrowed and something blue."
"Dead cats and live cats, something borrowed and something blue!"
Eric looks a little surprised that they got it right on the first try, but he continues. "Tesseracts and Afghans, mysteries and clues."
"Tesseracts and Afghans, mysteries and clues!"
"Put 'em together and what have you got? Bibbity bobbity boo!"
"Put 'em together and what have you got? BIBBITY BOBBITY BOO!"
With those words, the mummified cats all burst into green flame, which rapidly spreads to Hortensimus's ugly skull, consuming it quickly. A black hole the size of a baseball opens in mid air, and Hortensimus is sucked in, followed by the mummified cats and Manfred Mann.
The sudden peace and quiet that follows is both deafening and anticlimactic.
"Can we go home now?" asks scotty.
"I'm still naked and manacled to the altar," Christie reminds them. jgc hurries back over.
But then there is another flash of lightning and more glowing supernatural light from Pastor Eric. "Now I have the power!" he cries. "Now I am Master of the World! Hahaha!"
Cayla takes off her knee brace, whips it across the golf course, and it caromes off Pastor Eric's forehead, knocking him cold.
"Low blood sugar," says Cayla. "It happens a couple of times a week. Anybody got a cookie?" RJ gives her the last bit of bathtub.
"All righty then," says Gary. "What now?"
by RJ
"Carpe Demon!" cries Pastor Eric.
"Get me the Hell out of here!" cries Christie.
jgc whips out a crochet needle from her knitting bag and rushes up to the altar, and gets to work picking the locks on the manacles. Meanwhile, Pastor Eric is weaving back and forth, waving his hands in the air like an over-caffeinated Arthur Fiedler. The Zombie cats are chewing away at Hortensimus's leathery flesh, while Queenie and Chloe scratch at her eyes.
"Seems good," says Gary.
"Yes, I like it when cats eat demons," says Maddie. "I don't like it when they eat birds."
Lupy finishes his popcorn and tosses the crumpled-up bag over his shoulder. Maddie snaps her fingers reprovingly and points at it. Lupy rolls his eyes and places it in the proper receptacle.
By this time, Hortensimus has been reduced mostly to bone-- which looks kind of like driftwood with scary faces carved into it. Her arms and legs have all dropped off and her eyes are gone. Queenie and Chloe are curled up on Christie Love, licking their paws, while jgc works on the second manacle.
"Sic transit gloria mundi," whines Hortensimus.
"There's just one more thing!" Pastor Eric shouts above the Gregorian droning of Manfred Mann. "Everybody gather in a circle and hold hands!"
"Excuse me a minute," jgc says to Christie.
Everybody gathers in a circle around the rock salt Infinity sign, which is kind of trampled by cat paws now, and holds hands.
"Ew, your fingers are all buttery," Cayla says to Lupy. "Don't you carry wipes?"
"Repeat after me!" shouts the Pastor. "Dead cats and live cats, something borrowed and something blue."
"Dead cats and live cats, something borrowed and something blue!"
Eric looks a little surprised that they got it right on the first try, but he continues. "Tesseracts and Afghans, mysteries and clues."
"Tesseracts and Afghans, mysteries and clues!"
"Put 'em together and what have you got? Bibbity bobbity boo!"
"Put 'em together and what have you got? BIBBITY BOBBITY BOO!"
With those words, the mummified cats all burst into green flame, which rapidly spreads to Hortensimus's ugly skull, consuming it quickly. A black hole the size of a baseball opens in mid air, and Hortensimus is sucked in, followed by the mummified cats and Manfred Mann.
The sudden peace and quiet that follows is both deafening and anticlimactic.
"Can we go home now?" asks scotty.
"I'm still naked and manacled to the altar," Christie reminds them. jgc hurries back over.
But then there is another flash of lightning and more glowing supernatural light from Pastor Eric. "Now I have the power!" he cries. "Now I am Master of the World! Hahaha!"
Cayla takes off her knee brace, whips it across the golf course, and it caromes off Pastor Eric's forehead, knocking him cold.
"Low blood sugar," says Cayla. "It happens a couple of times a week. Anybody got a cookie?" RJ gives her the last bit of bathtub.
"All righty then," says Gary. "What now?"
-
RJDiogenes
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Re: The Great American RENEXT Novel
EPILOGUE
by RJ
Before anyone can answer, sirens rise all around them and a chopper flies low over their heads. They can see the spinning lights of police, fire, and ambulance vehicles pulling up to Hortensimus's headless body in the street out in front of the mini golf office. Boys in blue with pistols and shotguns jump over the chain at the entrance and rush toward them.
"I'll bet we all get medals," says scotty and Elara rolls her eyes.
RJ looks at Christie and says, "You better put some clothes on. You'll get arrested." She slaps him upside the head and takes his coat.
Elara has used her remote control to open a spinning black-and-white vortex and is shoving everybody through as quickly as she can as the cops get closer and closer.
"Stop! In the name of the law!"
"Hey, they're asking us to-- owww!" RJ yells as Elara grabs him by the earlobe and propels him into the portal. She quickly follows and then shuts it down.
They all land back on the floor of the ReNext HQ Meeting Room, and struggle wearily to their feet.
"I just hope you all understand the terrible and horrific depths of this experience," says Elara with serious intensity, "and understand how close we came to losing this whole Earth to an unsightly demonic horde."
"I sure do," RJ replies. "It was very tiring. I'm going to go watch Forbidden Planet and relax. Come on, Christy."
"And I have to feed Queenie," says jgc. "I don't think one demon eyeball will hold her over till morning."
"Look at the time!" cries Lupy as he runs out the door. "Oumuamua is eclipsing Quaoar in seven minutes."
"I'm late for my plot trot," says Maddie.
"I think I'll add a third floor to my house and then catch some Netflix," adds Gary.
"I guess I'll be nursing Pastor Eric back to health again," says Cayla. Pastor Eric, still unconscious, has nothing to say.
scotty looks contemplative. "There have been rumors of a second box of Chocolate Quisp being held in a vault deep beneath Cheyenne Mountain. Guess I better check."
As the room clears out, Elara just shakes her head and sighs, and then discorporates. Until next time.
THE END
by RJ
Before anyone can answer, sirens rise all around them and a chopper flies low over their heads. They can see the spinning lights of police, fire, and ambulance vehicles pulling up to Hortensimus's headless body in the street out in front of the mini golf office. Boys in blue with pistols and shotguns jump over the chain at the entrance and rush toward them.
"I'll bet we all get medals," says scotty and Elara rolls her eyes.
RJ looks at Christie and says, "You better put some clothes on. You'll get arrested." She slaps him upside the head and takes his coat.
Elara has used her remote control to open a spinning black-and-white vortex and is shoving everybody through as quickly as she can as the cops get closer and closer.
"Stop! In the name of the law!"
"Hey, they're asking us to-- owww!" RJ yells as Elara grabs him by the earlobe and propels him into the portal. She quickly follows and then shuts it down.
They all land back on the floor of the ReNext HQ Meeting Room, and struggle wearily to their feet.
"I just hope you all understand the terrible and horrific depths of this experience," says Elara with serious intensity, "and understand how close we came to losing this whole Earth to an unsightly demonic horde."
"I sure do," RJ replies. "It was very tiring. I'm going to go watch Forbidden Planet and relax. Come on, Christy."
"And I have to feed Queenie," says jgc. "I don't think one demon eyeball will hold her over till morning."
"Look at the time!" cries Lupy as he runs out the door. "Oumuamua is eclipsing Quaoar in seven minutes."
"I'm late for my plot trot," says Maddie.
"I think I'll add a third floor to my house and then catch some Netflix," adds Gary.
"I guess I'll be nursing Pastor Eric back to health again," says Cayla. Pastor Eric, still unconscious, has nothing to say.
scotty looks contemplative. "There have been rumors of a second box of Chocolate Quisp being held in a vault deep beneath Cheyenne Mountain. Guess I better check."
As the room clears out, Elara just shakes her head and sighs, and then discorporates. Until next time.
THE END
Re: The Great American RENEXT Novel
POST CREDITS SCENE.
Keisha walked into the ReNext HQ Meeting Room, yawning. "Sorry I'm late, guys. I overslept. I was having this weird dream...." She stops, realizing the room is empty. "I missed it all? Well poot!"
Looking around the room her eyes soon fall on a box tucked into an obscure corner. Striding towards it she sees that it has Greek inscriptions on it.
"I wonder what's in here?"
Keisha walked into the ReNext HQ Meeting Room, yawning. "Sorry I'm late, guys. I overslept. I was having this weird dream...." She stops, realizing the room is empty. "I missed it all? Well poot!"
Looking around the room her eyes soon fall on a box tucked into an obscure corner. Striding towards it she sees that it has Greek inscriptions on it.
"I wonder what's in here?"