Questions Only VIII: Quizzical Quizzes

[scottydog]

For example, in the first episode, entitled "Terror in the Terroir," our hero, Merl Blanc...

Great episode! "Merl Blanc" is just about the most genius name I've ever heard Mel Blanc would have been proud. You've got "Merl" which is short for Merlot wine, and Blanc which is a short for Sauvignon Blanc wine. Bravo!

What's your idea?

In the second episode, "Zinfanhell", our hero Merl Blanc answers a call for help from a sickly woman named Fanny Fermentitia in Napa Valley. She's been weak and bedridden most of her life, although well taken care of by her family who owns the most successful vineyard in all of Napa. Merl deduces that the family owes its success to Fanny's blood, which when added to their vats of red wine produces the most exquisitely delicious wine in the world.

Next?

[RJDiogenes]

Mel Blanc would have been proud. You've got "Merl" which is short for Merlot wine, and Blanc which is a short for Sauvignon Blanc wine. Bravo!

In the second episode, "Zinfanhell", our hero Merl Blanc answers a call for help from a sickly woman named Fanny Fermentitia in Napa Valley. She's been weak and bedridden most of her life, although well taken care of by her family who owns the most successful vineyard in all of Napa. Merl deduces that the family owes its success to Fanny's blood, which when added to their vats of red wine produces the most exquisitely delicious wine in the world.

Definitely a red, red wine.

Next?

People are inexplicably going berserk and committing murder and wreaking havoc-- Merl figures out that the one common denominator is that they each received a sample bottle of wine in the mail before going crazy. This particular brand of wine is not sold commercially. It comes from the Jekyll Winery, and the owner holds a grudge against these victims. How dare they call him mad?!

What terrible thing do you think the sample return mission brought back from Asteroid Bennu?

[scottydog]

People are inexplicably going berserk and committing murder and wreaking havoc-- Merl figures out that the one common denominator is that they each received a sample bottle of wine in the mail before going crazy. This particular brand of wine is not sold commercially. It comes from the Jekyll Winery, and the owner holds a grudge against these victims. How dare they call him mad?!

I would definitely drink wine from Jekyll Winery

What terrible thing do you think the sample return mission brought back from Asteroid Bennu?

Well, we all know that this marks a turning point in human history. Haven't these scientists ever watched any episode of any sci-fi show that involves bringing exotic alien samples onto a ship or planet?

So what's bound to happen is, we'll never hear any follow-ups to this story. I'll play golf with the General next month and he'll be sporting all sorts of hideous scarring on his arms, legs, and face. It may take a while, but he'll share the gruesome details with me, as he always does. You'll only be able to read about it when my book entitled, The General Horror, is released posthumously.

How might the samples from Asteroid Bennu affect Elara?

[RJDiogenes]

Well, we all know that this marks a turning point in human history. Haven't these scientists ever watched any episode of any sci-fi show that involves bringing exotic alien samples onto a ship or planet?

I'm a little surprised they didn't bring it to the space station first.

So what's bound to happen is, we'll never hear any follow-ups to this story. I'll play golf with the General next month and he'll be sporting all sorts of hideous scarring on his arms, legs, and face. It may take a while, but he'll share the gruesome details with me, as he always does. You'll only be able to read about it when my book entitled, The General Horror, is released posthumously.

Aw, why do we have to wait?

How might the samples from Asteroid Bennu affect Elara?

When the scientists open the sample capsule, they will find a handful of pebbles from Bennu. Within seconds, upon contact with the atmosphere of Earth, the pebbles will grow into boulders the size of Indiana Jones' assailant and begin rolling around of their own accord. Before long, they will smash out of the clean room, roll through the corridors of the research facility, crash through the exterior doors, and escape into the wide world. Gifted with some cosmic instinct that we humans cannot hope to understand, the Bennu Boulders will sense that their greatest challenge lies somewhere in the American Midwest and make a beeline for Elara. Taken unawares, as she plants vegetables or walks her horses or whatever, Elara will be bowled over by these celestial stones. Bruised and bloodied, Elara will apply band-aids, aloe, and a couple of DIY stitches. This will continue for days or weeks, until the Rubble From Beyond becomes so discouraged that they crumble into impotent dust, defeated.

What would an alien life form that lives on an asteroid do for fun?

[scottydog]

When the scientists open the sample capsule, they will find a handful of pebbles from Bennu. Within seconds, upon contact with the atmosphere of Earth, the pebbles will grow into boulders the size of Indiana Jones' assailant and begin rolling around of their own accord. Before long, they will smash out of the clean room, roll through the corridors of the research facility, crash through the exterior doors, and escape into the wide world. Gifted with some cosmic instinct that we humans cannot hope to understand, the Bennu Boulders will sense that their greatest challenge lies somewhere in the American Midwest and make a beeline for Elara. Taken unawares, as she plants vegetables or walks her horses or whatever, Elara will be bowled over by these celestial stones. Bruised and bloodied, Elara will apply band-aids, aloe, and a couple of DIY stitches. This will continue for days or weeks, until the Rubble From Beyond becomes so discouraged that they crumble into impotent dust, defeated.

That's very good. Elara may attract bad injuries but she never, and I mean never, succumbs to them. The book version should be titled, Gifted With Cosmic Instinct, referring to Elara's supernatural skills, not the boulders'.

What would an alien life form that lives on an asteroid do for fun?

They'd have an implanted universal wi-fi and 3-D holodeck space enabling them to partake in any entertainment option on any planet in their Federation of Planets. For fun they may also make frequent visits to Earth, popping in on people to scare them bejesus out of them, or flying their craft around our planes to get a charge out of us.

Is it possible that the Professor on Gilligan's Island orchestrated the shipwreck as part of his study of human behavior?

[RJDiogenes]

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