Questions Only IX: Interrogatives Abound

[RJDiogenes]

I enjoyed Seinfeld because the writing was excellent and the characters' childishness was never rewarded. They always paid the price for their stupidity.

I wonder how the average fan saw it. Some people thought Archie Bunker was the hero of All In The Family.

I can get on board with that. But sometimes a little mystery is a good thing. For example, a gorgeous woman in a bikini can be more titillating than a naked woman because the bikini adds a bit of mystery.

Mysteries are only satisfying when they're solved.

This is a terrific idea. Did Bob Newhart ever play serious roles? He'd make a great semi-comedic Columbo-type character.

He came from stand-up comedy, so I don't think he ever had a serious role. But I'm sure The Bob & Emily Mystery Hour would have been great.

How about a version of Bewitched where Samantha Stevens is crime-fighting porn star who goes after the criminal element in the porn industry? Darrin, also a porn star, would be her sidekick, and sometimes the two of them would need help from Andorra and/or Uncle Arthur to defeat the bad guys.

And help from Dr Bombay with co-stars who fall behind on their blood tests.

What well-known comedy series might John Wayne have done well in the lead role?

F Troop. Filled with regret after turning down the lead in Gunsmoke, he jumped at the next available role, Captain Parmenter. He was then filled with more regret. Or how about The Odd Couple, with Wayne as Oscar and Alan Alda as Felix? Gilligan's Island as the Skipper? One swat of his combat helmet and that would be the end of Gilligan. Or Welcome Back, Kotter. "You've got two choices, pilgrims-- pass this class or enlist."

How would you turn John Wayne into a Sci-Fi TV star?

[scottydog]

Some people thought Archie Bunker was the hero of All In The Family.

My dad sure did. All future MAGA people loved Archie and detested Meathead.

Or how about The Odd Couple, with Wayne as Oscar and Alan Alda as Felix?

That's a brilliant combination Talk about complete opposites! Speaking of which, did you ever see the movie Twins starring Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Gilligan's Island as the Skipper? One swat of his combat helmet and that would be the end of Gilligan.

That's true. Gilligan wouldn't be John Wayne's little buddy; he'd be John Wayne's target on the practice gun range

If Hannibal Lecter were one of the castaways, how would he choose the order in which he ate everyone?

How would you turn John Wayne into a Sci-Fi TV star?

John Wayne's character could be a space marshal or bounty hunter, tasked with keeping order in the lawless outer reaches of the galaxy. Maybe each episode could feature a self-contained adventure, with John Wayne's character tracking down criminals, resolving conflicts between settlers, or protecting a space stagecoach from alien attacks. Wayne would wear a futuristic version of a cowboy hat and ride a space horse, probably a robot horse.

How might Kolchak and Night Stalker be adapted into a Sci-Fi?

[RJDiogenes]

Speaking of which, did you ever see the movie Twins starring Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger?

I know the movie you're talking about, but I've never seen it.

That's true. Gilligan wouldn't be John Wayne's little buddy; he'd be John Wayne's target on the practice gun range

He'd get Gilligan all shaped up. And everybody else too.

If Hannibal Lecter were one of the castaways, how would he choose the order in which he ate everyone?

That would be a weird episode. I don't know anything about Hannibal Lecter, but I guess he would focus on the youngest and tastiest morsel-- Mary Ann. The Professor would use his knowledge of local native drum communication to summon cannibals from a nearby island to give Hannibal his just desserts. Get it? Just desserts.

John Wayne's character could be a space marshal or bounty hunter, tasked with keeping order in the lawless outer reaches of the galaxy. Maybe each episode could feature a self-contained adventure, with John Wayne's character tracking down criminals, resolving conflicts between settlers, or protecting a space stagecoach from alien attacks. Wayne would wear a futuristic version of a cowboy hat and ride a space horse, probably a robot horse.

That's more like a 1950s Sci-Fi comic book than a TV show.

How might Kolchak and Night Stalker be adapted into a Sci-Fi?

Kolchak actually crossed over into Sci-Fi a couple of times with the UFO episode and the robot episode (and the script for the third movie was about android doppelgangers). We could make a feature-length episode about him battling an outer-space cowboy riding a robot horse who deals out frontier justice on the streets of Chicago.

What two mainstream comedies would you merge to create a genre adventure show?

[scottydog]

The Professor would use his knowledge of local native drum communication to summon cannibals from a nearby island to give Hannibal his just desserts. Get it? Just desserts.

I'm glad you use the Professor to get them all out of jams. Get it? Jams.

Kolchak actually crossed over into Sci-Fi a couple of times with the UFO episode and the robot episode (and the script for the third movie was about android doppelgangers). We could make a feature-length episode about him battling an outer-space cowboy riding a robot horse who deals out frontier justice on the streets of Chicago.

It's been so many decades since I've seen The Night Stalker that I don't remember any specific episodes. All I remember is loving the series and even phoning my friend Monti after each episode to discuss it. And by the way, I'm meeting Monti and his wife in Ireland this coming week. We've been friends since 4th grade

Is it strange that I'm hesitant to re-watch any episodes of The Night Stalker? My fear is that I won't enjoy them, that I'll think them to be childish or dumb, and what was I thinking, etc. I'd almost prefer to just remember loving them at the time and leaving the past alone.

What two mainstream comedies would you merge to create a genre adventure show?

I was going use Get Smart, but wasn't Hymie a robot? Does that make Get Smart a sci-fi genre comedy?

But let's go with Get Smart, and merge it with Gilligan's Island. We discover that the Professor is a Control Agent whose vast knowledge of transistor radios has been undermining Chaos for years. We learn that Chaos sabotaged the S.S. Minnow, causing the shipwreck with the intent of stranding the Professor on the island, thus isolating him from Control. Max and 99 are charged with finding the Professor and returning him to Washington.

Siegfried and Starker get wind of Control's plans and take steps to thwart any rescue of the Professor. Siegfried and Starker show up on the island ahead of Max and 99, pretending to be survivors of a shipwreck. Starker is smitten with Mary Anne, and the feeling is mutual. As a fatherly figure, the Skipper is protective of Mary Anne and confronts Starker, who knocks the Skipper unconscious, drags him to a hut, and begins torturing him.

Meanwhile, Siegfried takes control of the island and imprisons the castaways. Wanting to extract information from the Professor, Siegfried takes him to the torture, sees the Skipper being tortured, and has a verbally violent confrontation with Starker. This distraction gives Max and 99 time to rescue both the Skipper and the Professor.

This sounds more like an adventure movie, not a comedy series, which I think is what you intended. Oh well.

What other series might you merge with Get Smart to create an adventure show?

[RJDiogenes]

I'm glad you use the Professor to get them all out of jams. Get it? Jams.

And by the way, I'm meeting Monti and his wife in Ireland this coming week. We've been friends since 4th grade

I wonder if he'll want to talk about Night Stalker.

Is it strange that I'm hesitant to re-watch any episodes of The Night Stalker? My fear is that I won't enjoy them, that I'll think them to be childish or dumb, and what was I thinking, etc. I'd almost prefer to just remember loving them at the time and leaving the past alone.

Yeah, some people don't like revisiting the things they loved in childhood or think that things don't age well. I don't feel that way. Have Shakespeare or Homer not aged well? Any work of art is a photograph of the past-- it doesn't age at all, and that's what gives us culture.

I was going use Get Smart, but wasn't Hymie a robot? Does that make Get Smart a sci-fi genre comedy?

Yeah, I consider Get Smart Sci Fi because of all the advanced technology.

This sounds more like an adventure movie, not a comedy series, which I think is what you intended. Oh well.

It doesn't matter what form it takes. Whatever works. I love the idea of The Professor as a CONTROL agent. He'd be a perfect fit.

What other series might you merge with Get Smart to create an adventure show?

Get Smart and Batman would make for a good crossover, but they're kind of similar. How about more of a contrast: Get Smart and The Beverly Hillbillies. Jethro is going through his phase when he wants to be a secret agent like James Bond, so he's wandering around Beverly Hills looking for suspicious activity. He sees Siegfried sitting on a park bench, wearing a trenchcoat, receive a manila envelope from another guy in a trenchcoat, so he knocks him out and brings him back to the mansion. When Siegfried wakes up, he is tied to a chair and Jethro is trying to figure out the secret plans-- except he can barely read. The only thing he understands is a telephone number, which he calls, over Siegfried's objections, and reaches Max's shoe phone. Max and 99 show up and see that the plans are for a secret KAOS missile silo being built near a small town called Hooterville, somewhere up in the hills. The silo houses a Moon rocket that KAOS will use to build a secret Moonbase. Hooterville doesn't appear on any maps, but Jethro knows where it is, so he leads Max and 99 there, with Siegfried in tow. They get there on the Cannonball and arrive just as Betty Jo, Billie Jo, and Bobby Jo are swimming in the water tower. Siegfried shouts out a code word and the girls turn into Anti-CONTROL killing machines-- KAOS has had the foresight to brainwash everyone at the Shady Rest Hotel. To make a long story short, Max and 99 and Jethro subdue the girls and deprogram them, and ultimately capture the silo. Because of Jethro's success in the operation and because of the girls deep training in martial arts by KAOS, they all are recruited as CONTROL agents. Whew!

What other sitcom or other show could be merged with Get Smart?

[scottydog]

I wonder if he'll want to talk about Night Stalker.

Monti will definitely want to reminisce about it, if I bring it up.

Is it strange that I'm hesitant to re-watch any episodes of The Night Stalker? My fear is that I won't enjoy them, that I'll think them to be childish or dumb, and what was I thinking, etc. I'd almost prefer to just remember loving them at the time and leaving the past alone.

Yeah, some people don't like revisiting the things they loved in childhood or think that things don't age well. I don't feel that way. Have Shakespeare or Homer not aged well? Any work of art is a photograph of the past-- it doesn't age at all, and that's what gives us culture.

My concern is that I watched the series through the eyes of a 15-yr-old and my tastes have obviously changed since then. But maybe not -- I still love many of the same series that I loved at that time, especially Star Trek, Mission Impossible, Get Smart, etc etc.

This sounds more like an adventure movie, not a comedy series, which I think is what you intended. Oh well.

It doesn't matter what form it takes. Whatever works. I love the idea of The Professor as a CONTROL agent. He'd be a perfect fit.

Russell Johnson as the Professor and Ed Platt as the Chief were among two of the greatest straight men in comedy history. But could they be in the same scene together?

What other series might you merge with Get Smart to create an adventure show?

Get Smart and The Beverly Hillbillies. Jethro is going through his phase when he wants to be a secret agent like James Bond, so he's wandering around Beverly Hills looking for suspicious activity. He sees Siegfried sitting on a park bench, wearing a trenchcoat, receive a manila envelope from another guy in a trenchcoat, so he knocks him out and brings him back to the mansion. When Siegfried wakes up, he is tied to a chair and Jethro is trying to figure out the secret plans-- except he can barely read. The only thing he understands is a telephone number, which he calls, over Siegfried's objections, and reaches Max's shoe phone. Max and 99 show up and see that the plans are for a secret KAOS missile silo being built near a small town called Hooterville, somewhere up in the hills. The silo houses a Moon rocket that KAOS will use to build a secret Moonbase. Hooterville doesn't appear on any maps, but Jethro knows where it is, so he leads Max and 99 there, with Siegfried in tow. They get there on the Cannonball and arrive just as Betty Jo, Billie Jo, and Bobby Jo are swimming in the water tower. Siegfried shouts out a code word and the girls turn into Anti-CONTROL killing machines-- KAOS has had the foresight to brainwash everyone at the Shady Rest Hotel. To make a long story short, Max and 99 and Jethro subdue the girls and deprogram them, and ultimately capture the silo. Because of Jethro's success in the operation and because of the girls deep training in martial arts by KAOS, they all are recruited as CONTROL agents. Whew!

That's really good. Imagine how much Jethro would torment the Chief

And I forgot that Kaos is spelled with a K. It's obviously been too long since I last watched an episode of Get Smart.

What other sitcom or other show could be merged with Get Smart?

How about Green Acres? Imagine Eva Gabor as a Control Agent who also torments the Chief. Imagine Max, Jethro, and Eva all in the Chief's office at the same time while the Chief is trying to assign them a mission. Picture all 5 of them, with 99, conversing a 5-way Cone of Silence

Would you consider 99 a straight woman? Were there any other straight women in comedy?

[RJDiogenes]

My concern is that I watched the series through the eyes of a 15-yr-old and my tastes have obviously changed since then. But maybe not -- I still love many of the same series that I loved at that time, especially Star Trek, Mission Impossible, Get Smart, etc etc.

Yeah, it's the same thing. Plus, how can you not love Darren McGavin?

Russell Johnson as the Professor and Ed Platt as the Chief were among two of the greatest straight men in comedy history. But could they be in the same scene together?

Sure. I can see them sharing a look of long-suffering forbearance in the midst of all the slapstick.

That's really good. Imagine how much Jethro would torment the Chief

"Ah reckon I'm sorry about that, Unca Chief."

And I forgot that Kaos is spelled with a K. It's obviously been too long since I last watched an episode of Get Smart.

I have to keep reminding myself that both KAOS and CONTROL are all caps, even though they're not acronyms (as far as we know).

How about Green Acres? Imagine Eva Gabor as a Control Agent who also torments the Chief.

Now I see that shared look of long-suffering forbearance shared between the Chief, the Professor, and Oliver.

Would you consider 99 a straight woman? Were there any other straight women in comedy?

99 was definitely the foil. She was seldom comedic herself. It's hard to think of any others, because most comedies lately depend upon the quirks of the individual characters. Janet in Three's Company could probably be considered a straight woman (and Mrs Roper was kind of a straight woman to Mr Roper). Emily was kind of a straight woman to Bob, although there were certainly plots that revolved around her quirks. I can't really think of any others.

Why do you think it is that there are no off-the-wall comedies like Get Smart or Gilligan's Island in the current era?

[scottydog]

Plus, how can you not love Darren McGavin?

He was great. I should look up his IMDB page to see what else he did.

"Ah reckon I'm sorry about that, Unca Chief."

Imagine Granny Clampett as a CONTROL agent in the Chief's office

I have to keep reminding myself that both KAOS and CONTROL are all caps, even though they're not acronyms (as far as we know).

That's right. Very strange. Maybe the ambiguity was deliberate.

Why do you think it is that there are no off-the-wall comedies like Get Smart or Gilligan's Island in the current era?

For all I know, there could be such comedies but I don't watch them. I rarely watch contemporary TV shows. But it's very possible that you're right, that somehow the comedy genre that you and I grew up with is seen as quaint and obsolete. I have no idea.

Are there any contemporary comedies or stand-up comedians that you enjoy? Are we relegated to always live in the past to appreciate true comedy?

[RJDiogenes]

He was great. I should look up his IMDB page to see what else he did.

Lots of stuff. He starred as Mike Hammer in a TV series in the 50s, he was in the pilot for Six-Million Dollar Man, he was in a TV miniseries of The Martian Chronicles, he was in Tales From The Darkside, he had a great role in Fantasy Island-- that's off the top of my head.

Imagine Granny Clampett as a CONTROL agent in the Chief's office

Imagine if she was given her own laboratory.

That's right. Very strange. Maybe the ambiguity was deliberate.

I wonder if anyone has tried to assign meanings to them.

For all I know, there could be such comedies but I don't watch them. I rarely watch contemporary TV shows. But it's very possible that you're right, that somehow the comedy genre that you and I grew up with is seen as quaint and obsolete. I have no idea.

Aside from the general lack of imagination in current society, I think it's because of a widespread fear of appearing childish.

Are there any contemporary comedies or stand-up comedians that you enjoy? Are we relegated to always live in the past to appreciate true comedy?

I can't think of any particular comedians offhand, but I do watch some comedy clips that come up on my YouTube feed. Some of them are funny, but also tinged with a bit of sadness-- they're all so naive and disconnected from normal human relationships.

Do you have any particular channels that you watch on YouTube?

[scottydog]

Lots of stuff. He starred as Mike Hammer in a TV series in the 50s, he was in the pilot for Six-Million Dollar Man, he was in a TV miniseries of The Martian Chronicles, he was in Tales From The Darkside, he had a great role in Fantasy Island-- that's off the top of my head.

He was a versatile actor indeed. And he was perfectly cast for the role of Kolchak.

Imagine Granny Clampett as a CONTROL agent in the Chief's office

Imagine if she was given her own laboratory.

Ha! Granny would say, "Whooo, doggies! Ain’t this place just fancier than a two-tailed possum at a peach festival! Now, let me tell y’all how we’re gonna whip them KAOS critters good. First thing’s first, I’m gonna set up my still—I mean, my special distillation apparatus—to cook up some of my famous Granny’s knockout drops.' One whiff and those KAOS agents will be snoozin’ quicker than Jethro at a math lecture!"

Oh, and we have to add Mr. Drysdale to the list of straight men consisting of the Chief, the Professor, and Oliver.

...somehow the comedy genre that you and I grew up with is seen as quaint and obsolete. I have no idea.

Aside from the general lack of imagination in current society, I think it's because of a widespread fear of appearing childish.

My fear is that AI art, AI music, and AI writing are all accelerating the trend toward lack of imagination. AI will not so much be a tool that enhances creativity but rather a replacement of creativity. Where does that leave the human race in 50 years?

Do you have any particular channels that you watch on YouTube?

You're going to be so disappointed in me First of all, I don't watch much Youtube, really. I do occasionally watch Rick Shiels Youtube golf channel for instructional videos. They're very helpful. I watch Rick Beato's channel for his commentary and critiques of old-time rock'n-roll music.

One of my favorite things to do is watch Youtube musical artists cover some of my favorite old-time songs. For example, check out the Analogues' cover of A Day in the Life.

Have you been tempted to buy ad-free Youtube? Maybe you already have. Those ads are so obnoxious.

[RJDiogenes]

He was a versatile actor indeed. And he was perfectly cast for the role of Kolchak.

Definitely one of those roles that should never be recast.

Oh, and we have to add Mr. Drysdale to the list of straight men consisting of the Chief, the Professor, and Oliver.

He was not quite so forbearing, though.

My fear is that AI art, AI music, and AI writing are all accelerating the trend toward lack of imagination. AI will not so much be a tool that enhances creativity but rather a replacement of creativity. Where does that leave the human race in 50 years?

Like any other tool, it can work both ways. For example, CGI can be used to create things like those Pixar masterpieces, but can also be used to create the bland SFX of nuTrek and the Marvel movies. The Arts are beyond stagnant at the moment. Maybe AI will be the thing that inspires people to be more creative.

One of my favorite things to do is watch Youtube musical artists cover some of my favorite old-time songs. For example, check out the Analogues' cover of A Day in the Life.

That was quite good. How did you find them?

Have you been tempted to buy ad-free Youtube? Maybe you already have. Those ads are so obnoxious.

Actually, I have no problem with other people paying for things so that I don't have to. The only time ads really bother me is when they randomly interrupt a video somewhere in the middle-- but if I'm going to watch a long video that might be interrupted, I'll just download it first.

What do you think about characters like Mickey Mouse entering the Public Domain?

[scottydog]

Oh, and we have to add Mr. Drysdale to the list of straight men consisting of the Chief, the Professor, and Oliver.

He was not quite so forbearing, though.

I forgot about Jane Hathaway. Would you call her a straight woman?

The Arts are beyond stagnant at the moment. Maybe AI will be the thing that inspires people to be more creative.

Is it possible for art to become stagnant because there is nothing left artistically to do? Or is art, by definition, inexhaustible in its potentialities?

One of my favorite things to do is watch Youtube musical artists cover some of my favorite old-time songs. For example, check out the Analogues' cover of A Day in the Life.

That was quite good. How did you find them?

By accident. I've spent hours listening to them. They perform entire Beatles albums live, and the results are extraordinary. One of the reasons why the Beatles stopped touring in the mid-60s is because their sound became impossible to replicate on stage. Well, the Analogues have found ways around that. If you have the time or inclination, listen to them perform the entire Abbey Road album from start to finish. I'm in awe, especially with the incredible medley of songs on side 2 of that album.

....but if I'm going to watch a long video that might be interrupted, I'll just download it first.

Downloading a video is a way of avoiding ads? I didn't know that!

What do you think about characters like Mickey Mouse entering the Public Domain?

That's a tricky one. Do you think the descendants of Mickey Mouse's creators should receive royalty payments forever? I can understand why the answer may be "yes", but I'm unsure. Would that mean that whenever the famous Bust of Nerfertiti is shown, Nefertiti's descendants should benefit?

[RJDiogenes]

I forgot about Jane Hathaway. Would you call her a straight woman?

Yeah, she was pretty much a straightwoman to the Clampetts, although she had a few quirks of her own.

Is it possible for art to become stagnant because there is nothing left artistically to do? Or is art, by definition, inexhaustible in its potentialities?

I think the Arts are inexhaustible, although there are probably limited parameters-- like the idea that there are a set number of plots.

By accident. I've spent hours listening to them. They perform entire Beatles albums live, and the results are extraordinary. One of the reasons why the Beatles stopped touring in the mid-60s is because their sound became impossible to replicate on stage. Well, the Analogues have found ways around that. If you have the time or inclination, listen to them perform the entire Abbey Road album from start to finish. I'm in awe, especially with the incredible medley of songs on side 2 of that album.

That's pretty interesting. Kind of a tribute band that doesn't actually imitate the original.

Downloading a video is a way of avoiding ads? I didn't know that!

Yeah, the commercials are not embedded in the video.

That's a tricky one. Do you think the descendants of Mickey Mouse's creators should receive royalty payments forever? I can understand why the answer may be "yes", but I'm unsure. Would that mean that whenever the famous Bust of Nerfertiti is shown, Nefertiti's descendants should benefit?

Apparently it was Thutmose who made the bust, but I think it's a little late for him (or Homer or Shakespeare or whoever). But going forward, I think the rights of people in modern times should be respected, including Walt Disney. I would certainly want my chosen heirs to retain the rights to my intellectual property as much as my physical property.

Do you think that owners of the Beatles catalogue should hire musicians to revive the band and create new material under their name?

[scottydog]

I think the Arts are inexhaustible, although there are probably limited parameters-- like the idea that there are a set number of plots.

So you're saying that there are an infinite number of variations within those limited number of plots. Kind of like there are infinite numbers between 0 and 1.

I think the rights of people in modern times should be respected, including Walt Disney. I would certainly want my chosen heirs to retain the rights to my intellectual property as much as my physical property.

That does seem reasonable. Yet right now, those rights are temporally restricted, correct? I'm curious if any movement is afoot to retain family ownership rights.

Do you think that owners of the Beatles catalogue should hire musicians to revive the band and create new material under their name?

Oh my goodness. That sounds dreadful and dastardly. I'm not in favor. However, having said that, what if AI could compose new Beatles songs or paint new Rembrandt paintings? I would be okay with that as along as these new compositions are not credited as having been created by the Beatles or Rembrandt. We could call them AI Beatles or AI Rembrandt.

I suspect that as AI gets better and smarter, it will get better at creating new authentic-sounding Beatles songs and new authentic Rembrandt paintings. That actually sounds exciting to me, yet part of me is creeped out by it in an uncanny valley kind of way. What are your thoughts?

[RJDiogenes]

So you're saying that there are an infinite number of variations within those limited number of plots. Kind of like there are infinite numbers between 0 and 1.

Given all the individual perspectives and different cultures and different time periods, I think it's probably pretty close to infinite.

That does seem reasonable. Yet right now, those rights are temporally restricted, correct? I'm curious if any movement is afoot to retain family ownership rights.

Right now in the US, I think Copyright is lifetime plus 75 years. Trademarks, however, never expire. I don't think there's any particularly strong movement for perpetual Copyright, though. Many people feel entitled to other people's stuff, and they're particularly offended by the idea that corporations can own things.

Oh my goodness. That sounds dreadful and dastardly. I'm not in favor. However, having said that, what if AI could compose new Beatles songs or paint new Rembrandt paintings? I would be okay with that as along as these new compositions are not credited as having been created by the Beatles or Rembrandt. We could call them AI Beatles or AI Rembrandt.

This is already happening. In fact, emulating famous painters was one of the first things AI could do. It's very cool to be able to create new paintings in the style of Norman Rockwell or Vincent van Gogh using subject matter unknown to the artists' themselves. Now AI music is getting to the point where the same can be done with musical artists.

That actually sounds exciting to me, yet part of me is creeped out by it in an uncanny valley kind of way. What are your thoughts?

I think it's fine. I can think of many ways that it can be put to use. For example, imagine a comic book illustrated by Norman Rockwell. Actually, something similar has already been done using the art of van Gogh, long before AI came along: Loving Vincent

What would be the first work of art-- painting, music, or otherwise-- that you would create in the style of a great talent?