New Poem

[curiousa2z]

ok, I've just finished this and read it aloud to two people, who, independently of each other both balked at the word "rotting". They think I should use something gentler. One suggested "sleeping" but my friends are not sleeping. I have until Saturday when I'm to read it aloud at a poetry reading thingy. Thoughts, please.



the Cemetery

In daylight
you can see how the old granite markers have aged,
darkened with moss and lichen
so the names and dates are hard to read.

But I have lived long enough
to be able to visit the cemetery now
where recent graves,
the edges of the markers still sharp,
belong to people I used to know,
rotting in their long boxes, underground.

Yet still, like Youtube videos of antique cartoons and long-cancelled shows,
images remain astonishingly alive in my mind-
down to the way a person
squinted, laughed, or said certain things –
as if my brain were another sort of cemetery,
a floating cemetery of synapses and electricity,
sparking off memories
perpetually lit up against the creeping darkness of the past
and the true death of being forgotten.

Like fireflies,
darting among the headstones,
elusive and uncatchable,
they still shoot out light -
even as heavy night drops down around them.

[Santaman]

"Rotting" is indeed a very strong word, it is inherently unpleasant especially when it refers to people that have passed away.

Strong poem, sad and with a hint of anger.

[RJDiogenes]

This is a very good Poem; as I said in the other Thread, I especially like "As if my brain were another sort of cemetery."

I can understand the aversion to the word "rotting." As Santaman says, it's unpleasantly evocative and, while it does convey that touch of anger at the loss, it's inconsistently harsh with the rest of the Poem. And "sleeping" doesn't really convey the right message.

How about something along the lines of "Forever in their long boxes, underground" or "Forever consigned to their long boxes, underground?" Something that conveys the idea that they're not coming back without dwelling on what's become of them.

[curiousa2z]

thank you so much, Santa and RJ for your thoughts on this.
I'll mull it over some more.

[RJDiogenes]

Also, let us know how the reading goes.

[curiousa2z]

will do!